I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
