When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
