Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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