it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
