I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize