it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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