if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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