So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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