Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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