if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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