The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
It's blow job season.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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