hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
