I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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