She is in my trunk
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize