how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
