thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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