I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
