And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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