Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my sisters under your porch take her home
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Pants are for mortals
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
