I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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