i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
