didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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