Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she woke up with a sticky ear
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
