I feel great
I just peed on a car
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
