I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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