Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
