If that was your dad, he is hot
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize