ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
