There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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