I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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