I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
