just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
