I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
