That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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