Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
