I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
