So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
