i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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