We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
