Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
