Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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