The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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