Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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