I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
