literally had 100 drinks last night.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
