Cold hands, warm shart.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
