Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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