Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
