Apparently you make a good broom.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
