I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
