She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
