Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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