i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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