turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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