I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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