and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
