the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
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