My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
