all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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