So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
